Copyright Jupiter Images 2008
What if today is the last day of my life?
These are the kinds of things you think of when you’ve had a stroke. I’m having symptoms which are scaring me, but I’ve spoken to my internist, and my rheumatologist’s nurse. Neither thinks its an emergency. She’s comfortable waiting for the rhuematologist to get to the office in a couple of hours to run my symptoms by him.
But I’m thinking it might be an emergency. For that matter, anything in life might be. A car accident. A heart attack. Getting struck by lightening. I got struck by my stroke four years ago this month, actually. You don’t exactly expect these things. But once you’ve had a stroke, and you read the statistics for recurrence, you become acutely aware of your physical vulnerability and of course your own mortality.
Most days I remember to thank God that I’m alive and alert and have no noticeable loss of physical function, from which He miraculously spared me.I thank him for my family, and my work, and for every beautiful aspect of the four seasons as I experience them, day by day.
Of the legions of doctors I’ve met with for my various health issues, no one can believe that the perfectly normal looking, active professional woman sitting before them matches the carnage of a brain in the MRI also sitting before them.
But today I’m more focused on wondering if today is the last day of my life. No one, of course, knows the date of their death. Yet every living creature, on one particular point in the line of time, wakes up one morning… and no longer exists the next.
Think about that. Wakes up one morning and no longer exists the next.
So feeling as I am this morning, I have to ask myself…what if? And what comes to mind, first, is that I have not managed to get into a personal relationship with God. With Christ. Other Christians talk about it but I don’t know what that means. (If my sister is reading this I’m in deep trouble!)
A personal relationship with the Almighty???? I picture the Almighty Presence, that gorgeous glow in the sunshine, spilling through the tree leaves and the clouds. I feel Him, and I see Him, in the wind. I pray to him and to His son. I thank Them. I beseech Them. I acknowledge them. But..it doesn’t feel personal…. more like wonder from afar…
The Christians I hang out with “walk closely” with the Lord. I go to bible study with them but truthfully it feels like The Emperor’s new clothes when they talk of their relationship with the Lord, of their experiences of deep connection with Him. I myself have felt a deep connection to nature, His creation, since I was a child. ..But that’s not what they’re talking about…. So if today is the last day of my life, and I go to meet my Maker, will He welcome me? Will he know me?
I have no doubt of heaven. None. I know. I’ve had signs. I feel it in my soul to be true that I will be going home again. And my earthly family members who have passed before me will be waiting there to welcome me…with much rejoicing, to use a biblical word.
Then there are my husband and kids. But I’m getting tired now, and that’s another whole post. (There will be a Part 2 to this post not long from now.)
And since I started writing this, I got a message from my doctor not to worry. No emergency. Thank you God that its not my time today.
At least I think not.