Archive for the ‘me’ Category

Itching to Write A New Topic!

May 19, 2009

 

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Well aren’t you so glad that you didn’t get to Psychscribe’s site only to hear more of the same…after a while I bet you started to feel itchy yourself!

Well I’m cheerful today because I feel good and its a gorgeous day here where I live. Green, green everywhere and glorious sun already at 9 am, after a week of rain.   And our  rhodies are beginning to bloom.

So… other things I’m cheerful about….

1. My friend Sanity Found read my fable, What Witches Know, and really liked it.

2. I have this whole week off to recuperate, which I will do by making my jewelry and learning Photoshop elements.

3. I have discovered the joys of Polymer Clay.

4. My daughter is starting her 6th month of pregnancy.

5. Less than 3 months till my son’s wedding.

6. I joined Twitter just to see what it was all about (not much!) but now I have this whole list to add just to SAY something. Depth is discouraged on Twitter by limiting the amount of lines you can write. It IS supposed to be a good marketing tool though, which I want to use once I get my business with my sister up and running.

7. Life is once again interesting now that I’m able to look beyond the confines of my body.

8. Umm…that’s good enough, yes? I was actually sitting here for a moment trying to think of two more things to make an even 10…why I have no idea. Too many memes. 

Enjoy your day everyone!

Lupus causing extended suffering

May 12, 2009

My previous post was tongue in cheek…but now, this is living hell…the constant itching is actually painful…dr has increased my antihistamine to the point that it knocks me out…when i wake up there is a 1 hour window (now) before i can take my next dose…i have to choose what feels like induced coma, or suffering…the lupus is making me suffer, exacerbating and extending the allergic reaction

Personal Stories of Lupus

May 10, 2009

Its Mother’s Day here in the USA.  I’m a mother home very sick with a lupus complicated drug reaction.  Since this is Lupus Awareness Month, I hope to blog  something every day about lupus in order to increase awareness. If you want to help me, please share the info and links on your blogs. If you are a woman, or love someone who is, you really  need to know more about the effects of this devastating disease:

Personal Stories of Lupus

Autoimmune Disorder, Allergic Reaction, Help Please!!!

May 7, 2009

 

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First, this picture is not me. I found it on google images. I WISH i looked this good…

Not good, people. Not good. I was given the drug Plaquenil to  add to my autoimmune disorder arsenal by my doctor a few weeks ago with the goal of weaning me off the prednisone.   I am now covered in a rash from hell over 75 percent of my body. EVERYWHERE  you can think of and don’t WANT to think of.  And the non specific lupus type disorder I have is gleefully helping the reaction to reach its fullest potential.

Long story short, the morning that my slowly developing rash blew into a full blown stage 3-4 allergic reaction, I also fainted and broke my ankle. So I spent the day in the ER, and was admitted. They were more worried about the fainting in case it signified something serious. It didn’t. AFter mega dollars in testing the fainting was attributed to an episode of low blood pressure.

I look like a monster. I feel like a monster. I have red, elephant ears. You can barely see any skin beneath the eruptions. My face is masked with them…Does anyone have any recommendations for excriating itching? I”m taking steroids and antihistamine but topically nothing is offering much relief except ice packs. Oatmeal bath – so so.. Coritsone cream the same…. wahhhhhh!!!!  😦

Loss: Feeling the Pain

January 28, 2009

I wrote in my  previous post, Final Words, about needing to feel the pain of loss in order to move on….well today I am feeling a loss I can’t identify…related to the present…. I know I feel it because I feel so sad, and I can feel the sadness in my chest….heavy….solid…I notice I’ve been feeling kind of angry at my body lately, how it has failed me by turning on itself and using our autoimmune system to attack it, and me. I look in the mirror and want to yell at it….WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME????? The research talks all about genetic markers, but I know that psychologically we can unconsciously do bad things to our bodies. I ask myself, what am I punishing myself for? Then I think maybe its not punishment, but fear causing all this in me. Fear of things I still haven’t worked through.  I also realize that at this time 25 years ago my father was dying. He died on February 5, 1984. I always get depressed at this time of year. Maybe this is all connected…I don’t know….

When I finish this post I will go to prepare for my bible study Friday night. I know that the Lord will comfort me as I read. So I have hope.

Would You Want to Know Your Therapist Has Lupus?

December 21, 2008

I struggle with this one since so often I have to cancel people out because I’m flaring.  I advise them that I have a chronic medical condition which unfortunately knocks me out. But I think it also sends the message to patients that my needs are more important than theirs. People are really great about it, but it bothers me that I cannot offer the consistency and dependability people need when they go to therapy. 

For example, I was flaring last week and told people I’d be calling them today, Sunday, to hopefully reschedule tomorrow. Well as it turns out I now have a cold and still need to stay at home.  It sounds so…flaky… and the STRESS of the uncertainty only makes me feel worse .  One thing about lupus is you need to really baby your body when anything comes on because your immune system cannot  defend the body against invading viruses, bacteria, etc.

Therapists are trained to only self disclose for the benefit of the patient.  I’m thinking that if they knew exactly what the medical condition is, they would understand why I have to frequently cancel and the uncertainty of when I can reschedule. But I’m not sure if I’m considering telling them for my benefit, so they won’t think badly of me, or theirs, so they won’t feel blown off and therefore feel badly about themselves. And then I’m afraid that if they understand the seriousness of my condition, it might scare them off…

So I’d really appreciate your input on this, especially if you’ve ever been a therapy patient. Would you want to know its lupus? How do you think this would make you feel? How might you respond?  Or is that way too much information?  Do you think the “chronic medical condition” is enough of an explanation?

Thanks for any help you can offer me here.

If I Were to Die Today (Part 1 – Relationship with God)

December 17, 2008


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 Copyright Jupiter Images 2008

 

What if today is the last day of my life?

These are the kinds of things you think of when you’ve had a stroke. I’m having symptoms which are scaring me, but I’ve spoken to my internist, and my rheumatologist’s nurse. Neither thinks its an emergency. She’s comfortable waiting for the rhuematologist to get to the office in a couple of hours to run my symptoms by him.

But I’m thinking it might be an emergency. For that matter, anything in life might be. A car accident. A heart attack.  Getting struck by lightening. I got struck by my stroke four years ago this month, actually. You don’t exactly expect these things.  But once you’ve had a stroke, and you read the statistics for recurrence, you become acutely aware of your physical vulnerability and of course your own mortality.  

Most days I remember to thank God that I’m alive and alert and have no noticeable loss of physical function, from which He miraculously spared me.I thank him for my family, and my work, and for every beautiful aspect of the four seasons as I experience them, day by day.

Of the legions of doctors I’ve met with for my various health issues, no one can believe that the perfectly normal looking, active professional woman sitting before them matches the carnage of a brain in the MRI also sitting before them.

But today I’m more focused on wondering if today is the last day of my life. No one, of course, knows the date of their death. Yet every living creature, on one particular point in the line of time, wakes up one morning… and no longer exists the next. 

Think about that. Wakes up one morning and no longer exists the next.

So feeling as I am this morning, I have to ask myself…what if? And what comes to mind, first, is that I have not managed to get into a personal relationship with God. With Christ.  Other Christians talk about it but I don’t know what that means. (If my sister is reading this I’m in deep trouble!)  

A personal relationship with the Almighty????  I picture the Almighty Presence, that gorgeous glow in the sunshine, spilling through the tree leaves and the clouds. I feel Him, and I see Him, in the wind. I pray to him and to His son. I thank Them. I beseech Them. I acknowledge them. But..it doesn’t feel personal…. more like wonder from afar…

The Christians I hang out with “walk closely” with the Lord.  I go to bible study with them but truthfully it feels like The Emperor’s new clothes when they talk of their relationship with the Lord, of their experiences of deep connection with Him. I myself have felt a deep connection to nature, His creation, since I was a child. ..But that’s not what they’re talking about…. So if today is the last day of my life, and I go to meet my Maker, will He welcome me? Will he know me?

I have no doubt of heaven. None. I know. I’ve had signs. I feel it in my soul  to be true that I will be going home again. And my earthly family members who have passed before me will be waiting there to welcome me…with much rejoicing, to use a biblical word.

Then there are my husband and kids.   But I’m getting tired now, and that’s another whole post. (There will be a Part 2 to this post not long from now.)

And since I started writing this, I got a message from my doctor not to worry. No emergency.  Thank you God that its not my time today.

At least I think not.

Checkin’ In

December 9, 2008

Hi All,

Just want you to know that I have not vanished into cyberspace. The season has suddenly got me running in circles planning gifts, Christmas dinner and other festivities…well…you all know…but the best gifts are the ones I’m making myself – jewelry for the women in the family – it feels so good to MAKE rather than BUY gifts….it feels so good to have gotten to the point where what I make looks nice enough to give  to anyone…I am a self taught jewelry artisan at this point..even went to my first bead expo over the weekend… (the word “artisan” sound so much cooler than “beader” or “crafter”, doesn’t it?)

Hope all of you are well, back to you soon,

Psychscribe

Mental Health Day: True Confession

December 4, 2008

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I’m taking one today. I mean, everyone else gets them. Why shouldn’t I? Even shrinks need mental health days once in a while. I need to relax and not HAVE to get in my car and go anywhere, be anywhere. No pressure…Mmmm…..

So lets see….I think I will dust today since I have an allergy to the stuff and its a real pain to walk around choking all the time….and do more Christmas shopping ONLINE (I don’t do malls anymore)..and finalize my choice of photos from the wedding for my “parent album”…oh…and i guess it would be a good idea to search again for my very expensive, lost wedding rings, I know they’re in this house someplace…and i need to get started on the jewelry I’m making for Christmas gifts….and call my mother which is never, ever less than a one hour conversation (that’s another whole post  in itself)…and I have several, repeat SEVERAL baskets of ironing that I’ve been avoiding like the bubonic plague…and for that matter there’s probably at least the same amount of  wash to be done…

Ok, so this is not what I’d advise a client to do on a mental health day. I would suggest to a client that she do something fun, relaxing, no chores allowed! But then again, for some people, getting chores done on a day when they would be going to work  is good for their mental health because all that stuff is no longer waiting for them…hovering.stalking them…

I guess I should call this my housework health day.

Tell us the truth. What do YOU do on your mental health days?

I Caught Amber’s Cold

December 1, 2008

 

Sniffle, sniffle, SNEEZE…..Sniffle, sniffle, SNEEZE 😦

We don’t live in the same cage, but somehow I managed to catch it…. Good thing I love ya, Amber.

Organ Donor? Not Me…

November 3, 2008

I just read an article about a California surgeon facing trial in an organ donation case. He is accused of hastening the death of a very ill man in order to harvest his organs. The man’s mother sued the hospital and got a $250,000. settlement, though the hospital admitted no wrongdoing…hmmm…

It seems so morally admirable to be an organ donor, at least in theory. Like giving blood. But I confess that its exactly for this reason that I said no when asked recently if I wished to be an organ donor. I would not want to live on life support, but I frankly don’t trust anyone except my loved ones to make the decision to pull the plug. At that point, I would be more than glad to help someone else live a longer or better life as I leave this one. (Not that anyone could even use my diseaed organs, I don’t think. Maybe my eyes..)

But I don’t want medical staff, or anyone else who doesn’t love me, speeding me along on my journey for purposes of expedience. 

How about you? Are you a donor? Or not?

Awesome Friends

August 1, 2008

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You guys have been unbelievable. You just hang in there and continue to send me cyber-hugs and love and light and support and I appreciate all of you so much for that. Just want you to know I’m feeling a lot better, physically and emotionally – just really busy now with my daughter’s wedding stuff and my new passion – learning to make jewelry and doing stained glass.  I’m sorry I’m not finding time to read your blogs, because I miss it, but I”ll be back 🙂

I don’t FEEL like counting my blessings

June 27, 2008

I think I do count them frequently on my blog, but today is not one of those days. I’m down with a flare again. I’m in pain which the pain killers dull but do not eradicate. Had to cancel plans  with my sister, my son, and my daughter. I was really looking forward to them. I realize I did just count three blessings, but you know what I mean. Please don’t anyone point my blessings out to me by way of comment because I will have to ban you from my blog. I mean, what would

 

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 I do with all this anger????? And if anyone asks me what advice do you give your clients, they are also banned from my blog. Is anyone out there having as bad a day as I am? 

I can’t believe you read this far. 

10 Things You Didn’t Know About Me Meme

June 24, 2008

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Ok, here we go, my first Meme- I was tagged by my friend SanityFound

1. I absolutely can’t stand whining.

2. I’m a binge eater of ice cream, preferably vanilla

3. My favorite TV show is Boston Legal.

4. I hate long blog posts because I have the attention span of a gnat. So I try to read the shorter posts of my blogger friends to keep up with what’s going on with them.

5. I admire Hilary Clinton

6. When I was 6, in catholic school, the nun wouldn’t let me leave for the rest room so i wet myself right at my desk and was reprimanded before the entire class.  That was 50 years ago and I still feel  ashamed as I write this.

7. I do not like nuns.

8. Despite my health issues, I consider this 5th decade of my life to be the most fulfilling.

9. My favorite colors are purple and turquoise.

10.I really don’t want to hear my friends’ problems when I get home from work, because that’s what I do for a living all day long.  And what I love about my blogger friends is they never ask me for advice!

Ooops! I just remembered a really important one:

11. I screen phone calls, even from people I love. Because I hate chatting on the phone. I’d rather be reading, or doing decoupage, or hanging out with my husband watching a movie in bed.

Ok..so lets see…now I’m supposed to tag 10 people…well, that’s the price you pay for being on my blogroll, guys! I tag:

Bill Howdle

Miki

linzworld

Madame Monet

Mary Eileen Williams

abby

justordinary

lwayswright

pantz

jeff

 

Lupus Worse in Southern European Ancestry

June 17, 2008

That would be me… 100% southern European ancestry…of which I’ve always been, and still am, so proud… But I found this article today: 

“Systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE) patients with a higher percentage of ancestry from southern Europe have more severe disease manifestations, according to new research presented at EULAR 2008, the Annual Congress of the European League Against Rheumatism in Paris, France. “

Time out from blogging

June 2, 2008

My Dear Friends and Readers,

As some of you have noticed, I haven’t posted for a while.  I just wanted to let you know I”m still here, and healthy, but unable to keep up with the blogging right now. My daughter’s bridal shower is Sunday, her wedding is in Sept., and it feels like I never have a moment to myself as exciting as it all is.  But I’ll be lurking and occasionally commenting on your posts, so beware!

Other than that, talk to you soon. 

Psych

Fibromyalgia: I’ve Now Joined the Club-Youtube

March 27, 2008

There is often an overlap between lupus, fibromyalgia and arthritis, and now that is happening to me. So now, me being me, you will be seeing articles, links, etc. on this “fun” diagnosis on here in addition to my lupus stuff. But since my medical conditions do not define who I am, mostly this blog will continue to be the usual bits and pieces.  My hands are hurting these days so I’m sorry if I’m not answering everyone’s comments. I do so appreciate them and will catch up when I am feeling better. In the meantime, carpe diem!…..Oh, I found a wonderful, touching YouTube about fibro by elainejamie :


Loving But Leaving My Dentist

March 23, 2008

I made the decision just now so I decided to write about it since I’m in bed with another  lupus flare and I’ve had to cancel my Easter plans.  I’ve been mostly sleeping for the past two days, in addition to the joint pain, and I know it could have been avoided if she’d treated me properly. All she had to do prior to and after the dental work was give me antibiotics so I could have avoided the infection which is causing this flare. This is the second time this has happened.  I have explained my condition and I KNOW my own body, but she just will not color outside the lines. So I know I sound angry because I am….so where is the “love” part of my title? Well…the selling point of her office is that its all women, nurturing and homey, lots of laughs, she’s really nice…blah blah blah but she’s obviously not qualified to treat complicated health issues.   What a boring post this is. Sorry.  Back to sleep I go.

The Worst Things About Lupus Flares

March 9, 2008

1. Disappointing my husband because I’ve been feeling good for so long.

2. Fear that I’ll stay this way for a long time and have it happen more frequently and have to quit my career.

3. Physical weakness so I can’t really DO anything.

4. Fear of another serious attack on my body – the stroke was pretty traumatizing

5. Disappointing my husband.

I don’t know what else. I just feel depressed and felt like venting. Thanks for listening.

If I Were Lost on Lost…

March 8, 2008

I think this so often when I watch that tv show… I think about what I would miss most if I dropped from the sky to an island with none of my belongings, none of my things.. . I would not miss my telephone. At all. I hate talking on the phone, which actually has cost me some friendships, but that’s another post for another day…. I would not miss my tv ( even though, ironically enough, I’m writing about a tv show premise ). My computer? Well, some. I prefer this communication medium. But mostly I would miss it so I could order books…whenever I want them…dropped to the island like they’re dropped into my mailbox… I honestly feel like I would go stark raving mad without them. I would be so bored! I was so happy for Sawyer when he got his glasses so he could read.  If I have a book with me I can deal with having to wait anywhere, at any time.Books to me are like candy to Hurley.  Also I would need my books to help me fall asleep at night….But then again, most of all I would need my meds delivered to the island so I could stay alive long enough to read all my book air drops….What would you need?

Blogging Addiction?

February 29, 2008

Ok, I am truly serious about this one. Does anyone else struggle with blogging when they’d rather be doing, or should be doing,  something else? Like right now for instance. I’ve decided to start a novel (I bought about 5 how to books but the bottom line is you have to start writing, duh!). I’ve had a neat plot idea for years but never stuck with it. 

 Now, since blogging, my love of writing has re-surfaced with a vengeance and my creative ideas are spilling all over the place and I’m thinking why not? To get a novel published is a lifelong dream of mine. Plus many of the short things I write on here could easily be made into full articles for a magazine. But I cannot start my day without checking in on my baby here…and feeding her some words for the day! Though as I think about it, the stats and comments are very rewarding, and I am also proud of my baby…oh well…off I go to my how to books (its the structure of the novel that has always gotten me down before…I get an idea but I don’t know where to go with it).

Anyway, it is one of the few goals in life I have not attained, other than a Ph.D – which will never happen due to the time and cost involved at my age, as well as my health issues.  But honestly, if I had to pick, I would rather have a book published than a doctorate. Wish me luck, friends! Off I go, then…

Thinking woman

February 10, 2008
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Nothing to say tonight….but then again….a picture does say a thousand words….doesn’t it? I don’t know the title of this piece of art..
.I think the artist is John Godward—does anyone know for sure?

Psychscribe’s Shining Moment

February 8, 2008

Walking across the stage in that huge Rutgers University auditorium at age 44, and being awarded my MSW degree.

So think about it if you will and tell me, what was yours?

Do bloggers ever get “discovered” for creative professional work?

February 3, 2008

Writing was my first love. Its true. Before my first kiss at age 12 ( a yucky, sloppy, uckky one!) I was writing poetry and short stories. As time went on, I had a few small successes….an essay in the NY Times, an essay in a now defunct magazine called NJ Woman, an essay in another now defunct magazine called The Monroe Monthly…and poems in various small literary journals  as well as an online one.  Then I stopped, because franky the rejections got really tedious…and so I got into my education and career as a shrink, which I do indeed have a passion for.

But the creative urge never left me. I taught myself decoupage and truly enjoy the process, similar to writing, I just sort of float off into another dimension, find myself humming as I work, and consider it to be a passion….actually I don’t endeavor to do anything in my life which is not a passion – my lover, my career, my work, my hobbies….

But still….this blog as re-awakened my passion for writing. I love it, even if I only write small blurbs. I love that I can find old stuff I wrote 25 years ago and finally publish it!  

I love that I can get reactions to my work – its not just flung blindly out into the universe landing in a never to be read slush pile somewhere. Though I have to say that the rejection letters I got were rarely form letters…they were personal and explained exactly why the piece wasn’t right for them…

Anyway, as my title here asks, has anyone ever gotten “discovered” by a publisher who read their blog?

Would You Have Cosmetic Surgery?

January 23, 2008

When I  was in my 30’s I swore I would NEVER, EVER get any “work done” as they say. It was a big political thing to me…and actually still is…the way the culture promotes…demands…. youth and beauty…. particularly for women… Its as if you’re really not worth anything without it.(Hollywood movies are a perfect examle of this). I loudly defied that value to everyone i knew…I loudly rejected it…not ME i said, blindly looking into my distant future…

Well now, 20 years later, I can see how much I’ve internalized that value…and to be brually honest with myself, I wish with all my heart that I could do the very culturally induced and encouraged medical mutililation (cosmetic surgery) that I protested and none the less inernalized! I cannot risk any unnecessary surgery due to my lupus, yet not a day goes by that I don’t lift my jowls and pull back my neck and think oh! How much better I woud look!

I read a quote somewhere like “Being beautiful is only difficult once you lose it”…I couldn’t agree more….

(This post is a response I made to a post in  Amberfireinus’s Weblog.)