Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

UTI- Sick Humor

March 16, 2009

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Doctor Knows Best

March 2, 2009

Ever Happen to You?

February 16, 2009

alien_faulty-gps

Commentary: I wonder how many hits mapquest has lost as a result of the GPS…Then again, I used to sometimes get poor directions from Mapquest as well….

In Case You Haven’t Seen this Yet

February 10, 2009

Nice to know our soldiers can maintain a sense of humor!

Do You Think She Needs Counseling?

February 3, 2009

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Constructive Criticism

January 22, 2009

peanuts-higher-criticismYou know you’ve been hit when you feel  stung, shot right between the eyes, express hurt, and the shooter retorts: “What’s the matter? I was just giving you a little constructive criticism!” This is their defense posture because now they’re feeling criticized by your reaction to their criticism.  It’s supposed to mean they were  “only trying to help you”.  

In the first place, if you’d wanted their opinion you would have asked for it. These people have never learned the old saying, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”  Worse yet, these are often the very same people who once taught us this very thing, but they think that because they’re our parents they somehow have an exemption.

Criticism is the expression of disapproval of someone based on perceived faults in them or their behavior. So constructive criticism is an oxymoron.

Destructive Criticism :

That haircut makes your face look chubby, dear.

Didn’t anyone ever teach you not to make disgusting noises when you eat, sweetheart?

Have you noticed that your gut is beginning to hang over your belt?

Honey, no offense but you sing like a baboon.

When are you going to learn that not everyone is interested in your long, boring stories? 

You really over indulge that child.

You’d better stop feeding her so much or she’s going to turn into a whale.

When I raised my son he got his underwear ironed.

Why are you wearing so much makeup? Did they have a sale down at Macy’s?

Most of us have been victims of such remarks at one time or another.  But you don’t have to stay a victim. You can have an a ready response in your arsenal should a shooter appear disguised as a friend or loved one.

The obvious one that I started with was “If I wanted your opinion I would have asked for it.”   But that doesn’t fit everyone’s personality style. Others might include:

“Thank you for your kind, gentle, and  sincere help.”

“You can withdraw your fangs now, I get the message.”

“I have a headache tonight. And I’ll have one tomorrow night too.”

“You’re beginning to sound just like my mother.”

You get the idea. Disclaimer: I’m not talking healthy communication responses here.  I’m talking good old fashioned getting even. Because once in a while, lets be honest here, it just feels good to take a shot at the shooter.

Mental Health Day: True Confession

December 4, 2008

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I’m taking one today. I mean, everyone else gets them. Why shouldn’t I? Even shrinks need mental health days once in a while. I need to relax and not HAVE to get in my car and go anywhere, be anywhere. No pressure…Mmmm…..

So lets see….I think I will dust today since I have an allergy to the stuff and its a real pain to walk around choking all the time….and do more Christmas shopping ONLINE (I don’t do malls anymore)..and finalize my choice of photos from the wedding for my “parent album”…oh…and i guess it would be a good idea to search again for my very expensive, lost wedding rings, I know they’re in this house someplace…and i need to get started on the jewelry I’m making for Christmas gifts….and call my mother which is never, ever less than a one hour conversation (that’s another whole post  in itself)…and I have several, repeat SEVERAL baskets of ironing that I’ve been avoiding like the bubonic plague…and for that matter there’s probably at least the same amount of  wash to be done…

Ok, so this is not what I’d advise a client to do on a mental health day. I would suggest to a client that she do something fun, relaxing, no chores allowed! But then again, for some people, getting chores done on a day when they would be going to work  is good for their mental health because all that stuff is no longer waiting for them…hovering.stalking them…

I guess I should call this my housework health day.

Tell us the truth. What do YOU do on your mental health days?

I Caught Amber’s Cold

December 1, 2008

 

Sniffle, sniffle, SNEEZE…..Sniffle, sniffle, SNEEZE 😦

We don’t live in the same cage, but somehow I managed to catch it…. Good thing I love ya, Amber.

When Alpha Males Get Sick

November 23, 2008

hallsbalsamLord help me. He only gets sick once a year, but when he does my hero turns into my worst nightmare.  I truly appreciate that he patiently takes care of me all the rest of the year above and beyond the call of duty, with my lupus and all, but BOY…paybacks are a bitch! He won’t let me take care of him… he wants me to take care of him…. he doesn’t need help…he does need help. I am trying not to get too close physically so I don’t catch his germs. He finds this to be insulting. When I tell him  that I miss his hugs, he looks accusingly at me like its all my fault. I’m also supposed to be a mindreader. When I ask him if he’s hungry, he’s not. Five minutes later I find him cooking himself some soup and sneezing into it. Mmmm….yummy…He then graciously offers me some, which I graciously decline.. And, worst of all, he’s a VERY cranky patient who isn’t a patient.

And just so you know, Alpha Males don’t marry Florence Nightingales. Truthfully, I HATE being a nurse. 

I hope I don’t get sick for Thanksgiving 😦

Baby Boomers ROCK!

November 16, 2008

You have to be a baby boomer to appreciate this I think. Click on the link and be SURE you have your sound on 🙂

BABY BOOMERS

Baby Laughing at Wii

November 7, 2008

Ok, this may be a sign of my obsession with wanting a grandchild, but I ask you….can you watch this and NOT laugh just hearing him? I hope this brings a smile, or a laugh, to you today.

 

Charlie Bit My Finger – Again!

November 1, 2008

Having a bad day? Try watching this 🙂

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Grey’s Anatomy Bloopers

October 19, 2008

Ok, I confess to being totally, completely addicted to this show. I found these bloopers from Season 3 to hold me over until next Thursday’s episode. If you are also a junkie, hope you enjoy them too!

What Do You Do When You Can’t Sleep?

July 10, 2008

Me?  I: 

1. Reach for my laptop.

2. Catch up on reading other people’s blogs.

3. Try to write a post of my own. Can’t. Creativity is still sleeping.

4. Attempt to clean out my mailbox. Realize I have a serious email hoarding problem.

5. Pick up that boring novel I’ve been reading, then wonder why on earth I’m still reading it if its so boring. Do I have to know the ending? Will the world stop if I never find out? 

6. Listen to the birds begin their morning chirping and wonder, really cranky now, what on earth there is to to sing about when you’re up at 5:30 a.m. ?

7. Write a silly list like this which actually IS putting me to sleep – and probably you too…

8. Keep pushing because it just feels like there should be ten things here…

9. Notice my two cats snoozing happily at the foot of my bed and, not for the first time, feel jealous of the life of a cat. At least, my pampered cats. Though, on second thought, I wouldn’t want to have to eat their stinky cat food. Ew.

10. Consider learning more about my new mac, which is so easy that its hard, and decide I’d rather be sleeping…

What do YOU do when you can’t sleep?  

Nite all…No, correct that to Good Morning….

Relationships Can Be So Hard (Part 2)

June 18, 2008

Please refer back to my previous post, Relationships Can Be So Hard Part 1  before reading this one:

 Live Science reports that female chimps often cry out during sex (better known to scientists as “copulation calling”) to attract nearby males, but they keep quiet when other females are around so they don’t alert their competition, a new study finds. 

The hypothesis has long been that the females advertise their sexually receptive state in this way in order to attract potential mates, apparently to have them fight over the female  and ensure mating with the strongest male in the group and have the strongest offspring. (Here we go with the alpha male thing again….)

Instead, female chimpanzees seem to use the copulation calls strategically to enlist the future protective support of males against aggressive group members, especially other females. The females produced more calls when high-ranking males were around, but kept quiet during their mating when high-ranking females were nearby.

“The female chimps we observed in the wild seemed to be much more concerned with having sex with many different males, without other females finding out about it, than causing male chimps to fight over them,” the one of the researchers, Simon Townsend, says. 

He states that this strategy might minimize the risks of competition, because competition between females can be dangerously high in wild chimpanzees. 

He actually thinks that because females make the calls not only during their fertile period, but also when they’re not in the mood (uh..excuse me, I mean sexually receptive)  when they are most likely to conceive, they are acting something like the chimp equivalent of gold diggers.  

“Copulation calling therefore may be one potential strategy employed by female chimpanzees to advertise their receptivity to high-ranked males, confuse paternity, and secure future support from these socially important individuals,” Townsend said.

So is he calling female chimps promiscuous manipulators? No wonder our poor chimp couple looks so miserable.  We now know that the male is painfully and rightfully insecure, but as for her…well… check out her expression… Its like: get over it.. I am who I am.. girls will be girls…

The findings were published on June 18 in the online journal PLoS ONE. The study was funded by the BiotechnologAy and Biological Sciences Research Council of the United Kingdom, an EU Pathfinder grant 

Relationships Can Be So Hard..(Part 1)

June 11, 2008

Copyright 2008  Jupiter Images

The Memory Haves & the Memory Have Nots

April 11, 2008

I just read one of those great  articles that I wish I could say I wrote.  I didn’t. It was written by David Brooks and published in the New York Times. Very funny.  It is a real treat for boomers and anyone else starting to have memory issues. Here is an excerpt:

“Society is now riven between the memory haves and the memory have-nots. On the one side are these colossal Proustian memory bullies who get 1,800 pages of recollection out of a mere cookie-bite. They traipse around broadcasting their conspicuous displays of recall as if quoting Auden were the Hummer of conversational one-upmanship. On the other side are those of us suffering the normal effects of time, living in the hippocampically challenged community that is one step away from leaving the stove on all day.

This divide produces moments of social combat. Some vaguely familiar person will come up to you in the supermarket. “Stan, it’s so nice to see you!” The smug memory dropper can smell your nominal aphasia and is going to keep first-naming you until you are crushed into submission. “

You can find the full article at:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/11/opinion/11brooks.html?_r=1&th&emc=th&oref=slogin

Psychscribe Quote #23

March 16, 2008

“I can always be distracted by love, but eventually I get horny for my creativity.” Gilda Radner

A Cat Like a Dog – YouTube

February 29, 2008

Step-Parent “Romance”: A precautionary tale

February 24, 2008

“We’ll never have children together,” I said to the man who used to be my lover.  “We’ll always be lovers.”

“We’ll hve it all,” he agreed.  “Satin sheets and negligees. Candle light and romance.”

“Yours and mine.”

“Ours.”

“They’ll grow together.”

“Learn from each other.”

“A ready made family.”

“No babies.”

“No diapers.”

“No two a.m. feedings.”

“You’ll never be too tired for me,” he growled, biting my neck.

“Never,” I purred, wriggling sensuously.

In small doses, we brought them together.  A weekend here. An overnight there.  Museums and picnics. Sleigh rides and swimming.

The two older ones went off together.  The two little ones played together.  The two grown ups snuck off for afternoon “naps”.

Congratulating ourselves, we married…

The second thing to go, after the grape juice splattered satin sheets, is the sexy negiligee.

“What if one of the children comes in?” I protest, clutching my faded cotton night gown to my neck.

“Nonsense!” he decrees, lunging for me.

A knock on the door knocks the moment beyond recall.

“Are there anymore potato chips? one of the big ones wants to know. It is exactly two a.m.

Both the little ones wet their beds. Every night.

“Must be we both have colds in our stomachs,” mine suggests to his.

“Must be that air conditioner making us cold,” his suggests to mine.

They become great friends, having this shared problem.  My man and I glower at each other as we each take turns washing stinky sheets.

As for dinner…. “I don’t eat chicken.”

“I don’t eat dark meat.”

“I’m not hungry now.” (Later, when my feet are up with a good book ,this one will want a three course meal.)

“Does anyone want the last piece?” All four do. Every time. A slippery ear of buttered corn lands in my man’s lap as he tries to break it four ways.  A man looks different with butter and corn kernels dripping down his pants…

The three boys share one large room.

“Like a dorm, ” we tell them.  “Like a camp.”

Like occupied territory.  There are boundary lines.  There are zones.  I find one asleep on the living room couch.

“They won’t let me walk through their part to get to my part, ” he blithely explains. Even he, the vanquished, accepts the schoolboy logic of this.

“He won’t pick up his filthy clothes off the floor!” the other shrieks, less blithely.

His, like their father, are neat.

Mine, like me, are slobs.

“You really should try to teach them better habits,” my lover who has become someone’s father says through clenched teeth.

“So what’s the big deal – a few clothes on the floor?” hisses mother hen who used to be a pussy cat.

The hottest moment in months comes  when we find his little boy in the upstairs closet with my little girl.

“Well it was her idea to pull our pants down,” he gallantly explains.

“But he wanted to. He liked it!” my baby vamp protests.

A long lost twinkle sparkles in my husbands eyes. We make a date for later. Upstairs in the closet.

Copyright 2008 Psychscribe
 

The Gift I Gave that Everyone Hated

December 31, 2007

Our kids gave us a surprise party last month. All our friends and family came, and everyone looked really great. You’d think that would be obvious since they were so  decked out and all. I mean, thought they looked great. So I printed and framed a photo of each couple for Christmas, and managed to apparently traumatize each and every one of them. Well, truth be told, it was the women who were traumatized….

Responses ranged from polite dismay, to “Omigod, I look terrible in that picture!” to “Do I really look that fat?” to my sister’s most memorable response. She opened the gift, exclaimed “But I look so old!”  and began giggling uncontrollably….which caused our mother to start giggling with her…till they were laughing so hard that tears were streaming from their eyes. (In all fairness to me, she wore a silly hat the night the photo was taken, which did not flatter her, but I figured she must have liked how she looked or why would she have worn it, you know?)

The moral of the story: I will never, ever give anyone a photo of themselves again. People always think, hope (?) that they look better than they actually do…why would I want to be a buzz kill ?!

How Ear Plugs Saved My Marriage

December 10, 2007

I do NOT snore. Women don’t snore. It isn’t feminine. Its embarrassing to be told the whole house shakes like  its been hit by a mack truck when you sleep.

So I’ve insisted he is delusional, despite the fact that my husband’s morning smile  has morphed over time from a frown, to a snarl, to a downright nasty growl. The kind, protective war hero I’d married had been making me feel like it was every man for himself. He’d been threatening to sleep in the other room which neither of us wants since we are both cuddlers.  We’ve always said that if our marriage ever got to that sorry state of affairs we might as well split. I was kind of, sort of worried…not really…

But finally I noticed, over time, that his acting out behavior had stopped. His disposition was better in the morning. The smile was back.  Today I went into his night stand looking for something and came across  foam ear plugs.  He never said a word to further assault my dignity now that a solution had been found. And neither will I.

My hero is back.

WHY won’t men ask for directions???

December 9, 2007

Santa Won’t Ask for Directions…

Psychscribe Quote #2

December 3, 2007

“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.” ~ Mark Twain

A reader, Denise, offered this in her comment to my first quote. By all means, people, if you have any quotes or poetry  to share in keeping with the theme of this blog, please do send them on to me and I will give credit to you.

Thanks.

Partners as Mind Readers ???

November 23, 2007

Well, I’m here to tell you that’s not going to  happen. Though it’s amazing how many people expect mindreading in a relationship. Particularly women. See, we women think we can read our partner’s minds, and can’t understand why its not reciprocated.

The good news is, obviously, that no one can read anyone’s mind. That’s not communicating, that’s  very wishful, and not very helpful, thinking.

Example of woman thinking she’s mindreading: Husband is watching tv.  Gorgeous, sexy female appears on screen. Wife mistakenly mindreads,aloud: “You’re thinking about how much prettier she is than me, aren’t you? You’re thinking you’d really like to have sex with her, admit it! If you COULD have one time out on our commitment, you’d be with her, wouldn’t you?”

 Now, the poor guy was really wondering if tonight is a green light with his wife  but now he doesn’t go for it because he is too busy denying her accusations.   She gets mad at him for “lying” to her, and now he doesn’t dare come on to her because he’s already insulted her  (he has no clue why) when really she wants him to mindread that she wants him to come on to her….. but has chosen a less than effective way of communicating this to him…

Better would be: Honey, I feel so insecure when I see those gorgeous women on tv. Do you still want me like you used to? I guarantee you’ll both get what you want with this straightforward approach!

Example of male mindreading: The man gets into bed and, figuring the bed is a mating mat even though he’s been advised hundreds of time to the contrary, mindreads that she really wants him tonight and is just too shy to come right out and say it (see above). He jumps her bones and either gets shoved off or she plays dead through the whole thing (admit it, women: for spite).

Better: subtle communication works best here. Offer a back rub, or a foot rubScience Articles, and very slowly work your way to the desired destination. Give her some time to enjoy the relaxation and get in the mood. Minimal communication would be: does that feel good? Telling her why you love her or her specific physical attributes communicates that you still think she’s hot.

Don’t expect her to mindread how sexy you think she is. We never get tired of hearing it.