Archive for the ‘friends’ Category

A True Confession About Friends

May 20, 2009

TwoWomen_1914

Artist: Diego Rivera

 

As I get older, I’m becoming more and more of a loner.  That is to say, I prefer my own company to the company of others. Given the choice of a visit with a friend, or reading or writing or creating, I will always choose the latter.  I’m going to say what is true for me, even though it sounds awful. After about a half hour visit, I get bored. Yes. I get bored. Because my mind drifts away to my interior landscape from which my creativity springs, and I want to get back to it. To whatever medium I’m working in. I don’t want to listen very long to  somebody’s daily travails or about their their kids or daily lives.  I feel trapped,  a captive audience.  Phone calls are the same for me. Maybe even worse. Because they have to be returned if I want to have any friends at all.

So why do I want them, you may be asking yourself.  Well…because I love them! And I care about them. And when the chips are down, they’re there for me and I’m there for them.  I think maybe  its just that in this fifth decade of my life, my identity is morphing into an artist and I have no patience for daily minutiae.

Also, the more I think about it, a man would never even write this post or have these thoughts. Men don’t chat about their daily lives. Most of the ones I know are very much bottom line kinds of people. Phone calls serve a function, as in : where are we going and what time are we meeting? Men do things together. Women seem to talk about things more. …A cultural thing, I guess.

 How could Psychscribe admit to such mean thoughts? Because it is my truth. Does this sound really awful?

Advertisements

Make New Friends But…

February 12, 2009

 

 

 

 

“Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold.”  

I’m finding I don’t agree with that old saying.  Some of my old friends have disappointed me terribly in regard to my health issues. No support at all.  Not even polite questions about how I’m doing.  If I mention I’ve been having a hard time, they respond as if I mention the weather has really been getting to me. Yet my blog friends are here for me all the time, express genuine concern, and check in with me to see if I’m OK when I’ve been quiet for a while. 

So for me, new friends are the gold ones. Thank you, each and every one of you.

Coming to America

February 8, 2009

For my friend Sanityfound,  because she really is coming to america!

 

COMING TO AMERICA

Far
We’ve been travelling far
Without a home
But not without a star

Free
Only want to be free
We huddle close
Hang on to a dream

On the boats and on the planes
They’re coming to America
Never looking back again
They’re coming to America

Home, don’t it seem so far away
Oh, we’re travelling light today
In the eye of the storm
In the eye of the storm

Home, to a new and a shiny place
Make our bed, and we’ll say our grace
Freedom’s light burning warm
Freedom’s light burning warm

Everywhere around the world
They’re coming to America
Every time that flag’s unfurled
They’re coming to America

Got a dream to take them there
They’re coming to America
Got a dream they’ve come to share
They’re coming to America

They’re coming to America
They’re coming to America
They’re coming to America
They’re coming to America
Today, today, today, today, today

My country ’tis of thee
(Today)
Sweet land of liberty
(today)
Of thee I sing
(today)
Of thee I sing
(today)

(today)

(today)

(today

Constructive Criticism

January 22, 2009

peanuts-higher-criticismYou know you’ve been hit when you feel  stung, shot right between the eyes, express hurt, and the shooter retorts: “What’s the matter? I was just giving you a little constructive criticism!” This is their defense posture because now they’re feeling criticized by your reaction to their criticism.  It’s supposed to mean they were  “only trying to help you”.  

In the first place, if you’d wanted their opinion you would have asked for it. These people have never learned the old saying, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”  Worse yet, these are often the very same people who once taught us this very thing, but they think that because they’re our parents they somehow have an exemption.

Criticism is the expression of disapproval of someone based on perceived faults in them or their behavior. So constructive criticism is an oxymoron.

Destructive Criticism :

That haircut makes your face look chubby, dear.

Didn’t anyone ever teach you not to make disgusting noises when you eat, sweetheart?

Have you noticed that your gut is beginning to hang over your belt?

Honey, no offense but you sing like a baboon.

When are you going to learn that not everyone is interested in your long, boring stories? 

You really over indulge that child.

You’d better stop feeding her so much or she’s going to turn into a whale.

When I raised my son he got his underwear ironed.

Why are you wearing so much makeup? Did they have a sale down at Macy’s?

Most of us have been victims of such remarks at one time or another.  But you don’t have to stay a victim. You can have an a ready response in your arsenal should a shooter appear disguised as a friend or loved one.

The obvious one that I started with was “If I wanted your opinion I would have asked for it.”   But that doesn’t fit everyone’s personality style. Others might include:

“Thank you for your kind, gentle, and  sincere help.”

“You can withdraw your fangs now, I get the message.”

“I have a headache tonight. And I’ll have one tomorrow night too.”

“You’re beginning to sound just like my mother.”

You get the idea. Disclaimer: I’m not talking healthy communication responses here.  I’m talking good old fashioned getting even. Because once in a while, lets be honest here, it just feels good to take a shot at the shooter.

Friends: Phone vs Email Time

January 12, 2009

First, let me start off by saying I am not a phone person. I just don’t like chatting on the phone. I get very impatient. That being said, I love emails and keep in touch with just about everyone that way. I think one of the reasons social email is so popular is that we can converse on our own time and schedule, sequentially rather than simultaneously.  Most of us lead such hectic lives…

So I have to prioritize. My family, I talk  to on the phone. We need to hear each other’s voices. And I think we would all agree that its nice to hear our friend’s voices once in a while! But I have had conflicts with friends who have different communication needs and want more phone time. Yet when I think of my blogger friends, I have never heard their voices yet know and feel their distinct personalities, their dreams and heartaches, and I worry about them when things are going badly for them.

I don’t know… the friends thing can be so difficult sometimes.

Words on Women & Strength

January 9, 2009

Psychscribe Quote # 48

December 16, 2008

 

Image from www.globalcollage.com

rain

 

“Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.” Author unknown.

Stand by Me: A Song from Around the World

December 11, 2008

How BEAUTIFUL is this?

 

I Caught Amber’s Cold

December 1, 2008

 

Sniffle, sniffle, SNEEZE…..Sniffle, sniffle, SNEEZE 😦

We don’t live in the same cage, but somehow I managed to catch it…. Good thing I love ya, Amber.

New Site Design

November 7, 2008

Isn’t it awesome?!! I am so happy with it!!!! It was designed and given to me as a gift from my dear friends Amber Moon   and Sanity Found. If you haven’t discovered them yet, please do click on their blogs. You won’t be disappointed 🙂

Amber and San, these rhodies are for you, right out of my garden. xxxooo

 

dsc014321

5 Years From Now Will This Matter?

October 11, 2008

That’s all I have to say regarding whatever you’re so anxious about today…

 

What is the Ubuntu Blog Movement?

October 8, 2008

 

Find out at Sanity Found’s Ramblings.

 I am because you are.

Psychscribe Quote # 43

October 7, 2008

 

“…all that we have been in life will live on in the quality of other lives that we have touched significantly. Thus we shall be reborn again and again. And in this way we are woven into the fabric of time.” Helen Watkins

Awesome Friends

August 1, 2008

Copyright Jupiter Images 2008

You guys have been unbelievable. You just hang in there and continue to send me cyber-hugs and love and light and support and I appreciate all of you so much for that. Just want you to know I’m feeling a lot better, physically and emotionally – just really busy now with my daughter’s wedding stuff and my new passion – learning to make jewelry and doing stained glass.  I’m sorry I’m not finding time to read your blogs, because I miss it, but I”ll be back 🙂

Two Horses

June 12, 2008
 

Just up the road from 
a home is a field, with two horses in it.
 
From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing….
 
Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind.  His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him.
This alone is amazing.
If you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the sound of a bell.  
Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field.
  
Attached to the horse’s halter is a small bell.
 
It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow.
 
As you stand and watch these two friends,
you’ll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse, and that the blind horse will listen for the bell and then slowly walk
to where the other horse is, trusting that he will not be led astray.
 
When the horse with the bell returns  to the shelter of the barn each
evening, it stops occasionally and looks back, making sure that the blind
friend isn’t too far behind to hear the bell.
 
Like the owners of these two horses,
God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect
or because we have problems or challenges.
 
He watches over us and even brings others into our lives
to help us when we are in need.
 
Sometimes we are the blind horse
being guided by the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives.
 
Other times we are the guide horse, helping others to find their way….
 
Good friends are like that… you may not always see them, but you know they are always there.
 
Please listen for my bell and I’ll listen for yours. 
And remember…
be kinder than necessary-
everyone you meet is fighting
some kind of battle.    

Rev. Robert H. Schuller 

Time out from blogging

June 2, 2008

My Dear Friends and Readers,

As some of you have noticed, I haven’t posted for a while.  I just wanted to let you know I”m still here, and healthy, but unable to keep up with the blogging right now. My daughter’s bridal shower is Sunday, her wedding is in Sept., and it feels like I never have a moment to myself as exciting as it all is.  But I’ll be lurking and occasionally commenting on your posts, so beware!

Other than that, talk to you soon. 

Psych

Flowers for You

May 1, 2008

(c) (2008) Jupiter Images Corporation

I’m just wondering…. when was the last time you sent flowers to someone that you love?

Message for Therapist from God

April 27, 2008

Hi All…well I’m home from the hospital and should be grateful to be alive…which I am…but I’m having a delayed reaction to the whole emergency experience. One minute you’re feeling as normal as anyone else (which you’re not, of course, no one is with a chronic potentially fatal disease like lupus)   the next minute you’re in an emergency room, delirious with fever while doctors fight to save your life. You’re vaguely aware of what’s going on, including the fear in your husband’s eyes, but mostly you just slip in and out of the the delirium. 

Stabilized, they find you a bed and you remain for five days till there is no fever and vital signs remain normal. Tests are performed from head to foot in order to discover the source of the infection, but it is never found. Nor could it be since they pumped me up with IV  antibiotics the minute I got to the emergency room.  One doctor told me later that I would have been dead within 24 hours had I not been given the antibiotics.

Maybe that last statement is what has really got me. How close I was to death. I’ve licked death beyond all odds several times in my life. About ten years ago I flipped my car over on black ice. It was completely crushed and I was hanging upside down. No one could believe I managed to extricate myself and crawl away from the crushed car before the emergency people arrived… but somehow I did. No one should have survived the stroke I had in 2004,  nor the Stevens Johnson Syndrome I developed after that, but I did.

Maybe what really has me is how many more times can I beat the odds? I am an at risk older female. All the time.  You feel so infantilized in the hospital. They are always  watching you, taking care of you. By the time you get out, it somehow feels scary to be an adult again. You kind of want to crawl back into the womb, even though you thought you wanted to get out. It was constrictive, but safe…

I wanted to go back to work this week, but I just can’t. Half of it is that my body is telling me I need to rest. But the other half is the post trauma effect I see in myself.  I have to help myself before I can help my patients. Yet then I feel like I’m abandoning them.

On the other hand, I had no idea how many caring friends and neighbors I have here in the community in which I live. We’re “weekenders” here so you never really feel like you belong. Yet flowers, people, sweets, cards and prayers just came pouring in. I was truly astounded and moved. Who knew?  

 So since I know that God is always trying to  teach me something, maybe this is what it is, the clue phone for the therapist, a message from God: ” You always teach your patients about the importance of a sense of connection to a supportive community. What makes you think you are any different? When are you going to realize that being a loner is lonely, even with a husband and kids?”

I’m getting it, God. I’m getting it. 

 

Psychscribe Quote #22

March 10, 2008

“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.” Victor Borg

Do you think its ok to outgrow friends?

February 26, 2008

I see  so many women in their 20’s and 30’s struggling with the time management of  careers, relationships, friends  and family. And so often when we look at their stress, it becomes apparent that they are spending  what little free time they do have with people  they no longer have anything in common except fond memories of the past. 

Often there is conflict between the friends. One may want more frequency in the time spent together.  Or they have chosen to follow very different paths in life and can no longer understand where the other is coming  from….or where she’s going…  And I can see that way too much negative energy is going into this relationship.

It reminds me of an old saying, or was it a song, that “its better to part while we’re still friends”.   I do believe that sometimes friends do need to break up, sometimes for a while, sometimes permanently…..  What do you think?

Online Friendships

January 31, 2008

As a novice to the blogosphere, I have been surprised to find real friendships developing with people I have never met in person, and probably never will.  I worry about them. I confide in them.  I feel connected…. I’m wondering what your experience of online friendships has been?

Are You an Alpha Female?

January 20, 2008

I know they exist, and I know I am one. I tried to find some objective definitions of alpha females but couldn’t find any. So my working definition is that an alpha female is strong, confident, and a leader.  The problem is that many people of both genders really can’t stand alpha females  I think this is because they feel threatened.  A man who is a strong, confident leader is an alpha. A female who is a strong, confident leader is a bitch. What do you think?

Lupus – I confess

January 16, 2008

Well, anyone who follows my blog has probably figured out by now that I have lupus.  I hide behind my screen name on this because I’m afraid my clients will either not want to work with a therapist who has a chronic illness, or feel like they need to take care of me. I realize the word “confess” in the subject line sounds like I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I don’t. I just mean I confess to the truth  that I’ve sort of, kind of, been hiding in my blog. There are some patients of mine who have the link to this blog. These are paients I have a longstanding relationship with who I trust will not draw back in horror. And who I trust are healthy enough to handle this infomation.

I think I’ve chosen to come out of the closet on this because there is a stigma about having it, much as people whispered about someone having cancer when I was growing up.   Or else people don’t know what on earth it is, or have heard only horror stories. I will tell you my story in a subsequent post. I want to raise public awareness about this disease and as of this post, I’ve had a defining moment! And it feels good.  It also feels good to me because lupus affects mostly women,  and I have always been a champion of womens issues.      To be continued….

Sarcasm is NOT ok

January 10, 2008

This is a problem behavior for many couples who come to see me. Sometimes they readily identify that they’re communicating with sarcasm. Sometimes I identify it and call them out on it. They’ll say “Hey, that’s just the way I am.” Or, “My whole family talks this way, its just a joking thing, nothing serious.” Well no. Actually it is serious. Sarcasm is communication with a bite. And bites hurt.

Sarcasm is not a personlity trait. It is learned behavior. Sarcasm often brings laughter to a group, at the expense of one group member…whoever was unfortunate enough to be in the sarcastic person’s line of fire.  But, group dynamics being what they are,   the sarcastic person is often the life of the party. This of course only reinforces the behavior and that’s understandable. But its still not ok. Sarcasm is communication with a bite. And bites hurt.

For anyone who thinks I’m making a big deal out of nothing, that’s probably the sarcastic person thinking it. So let me ask you this: Has anyone ever been sarcastic to you?  Either on a routine basis or in a group? Try to remember how it felt to be at the other end of the sarcasm. Probably not very good. Probably awful.  So do you think your sarcasm helps or hurts your personal relationships and the people that you love?

Sarcasm is communication with a bite. And bites hurt.

The Best Thing That Happened to Me This Year

January 2, 2008

Since I asked this of my readers in an earlier post, I thought I would tell you mine: not very original maybe, but really quite wonderful. The best thing that happened to me this year was the surprise party my daughter threw us for our 20th wedding anniversary. I mean, I was truly surprised, and so very touched, when I walked in and realized that all those people were there for us. I felt so loved…seeing all the smiling faces, and the joy of our own relationship reflected back to us in those smiling faces. Truth be told, I had not realized we were that important to so many people. Friends who traveled by air to be there. Friends who changed vacation plans to be there. Friends who smiled the whole night long. I will never, ever forget it as long as I live.