Archive for the ‘codependence’ Category

The Good News and the Bad News

April 18, 2009


Well, I saw my rheumatologist today. He said my blood work indicates not systemic lupus, but mixed connective tissue disease. He was quite cheery because he said it does not attack the organs like systemic lupus, so this is great news and I should be relieved. But me being me (and most of you being you) I researched it online.  

From MedicineNet:

“Mixed connective tissue disease, as first described in 1972, is “classically” considered as an “overlap” of three diseases, systemic lupus erythematosus, scleroderma, and polymyositis. Patients with this pattern illness have features of each of these three diseases. They also typically have very high quantities of antinuclear antibodies (ANAs) and antibodies to ribonucleoprotein (anti-RNP) detectable in their blood. The symptoms of many of these patients eventually evolve to become dominated by features of one of three component illnesses, most commonly scleroderma.

It is now known that overlap syndromes can occur that involve any combination of the connective tissue diseases. Therefore, for example, patients can have a combination of rheumatoid arthritis and systemic lupus erythematosus (hence, the coined name “rhupus”).”

Well woo hoo! Woo hoo!


The Present for You

October 17, 2008


Here is a present for you:

Focus solely on the present below, thinking of nothing else but the image of that present…the colors….the shapes…focus for as long as you can…and then, when you’re ready, open the present and see what you find…



In  doing this exercise you are already practicing being present…experiencing peace and release from worries about tomorrow.

What did you find when you opened your present?

5 Years From Now Will This Matter?

October 11, 2008

That’s all I have to say regarding whatever you’re so anxious about today…


Relationships Can Be So Hard..(Part 1)

June 11, 2008

Copyright 2008  Jupiter Images

Is it OK to Search a Partner’s Phone?

May 6, 2008

That question came up as one of my search inquiries today, and I thought was a good one. There is the issue of violation of boundaries vs. a partner’s right to know. Obviously one who searches cells and emails etc. already doesn’t trust the partner, but there are also other ways of handling it. That being said, spoken like true therapist, I must admit that as a human being, if I thought my Alph was (were????) straying I don’t know if I’d be able to take the high road and process in a healthy manner.

Your thoughts?



“You’re Dead to Me” – Family Conflicts

March 19, 2008

Those are pretty strong words.  But in families where the solution to conflict is to cut each other off that’s basically what they’re saying. I used to think it was an Italian thing, since that’s who we are in my  family. But as a therapist I learned in grad school that this is a multigenerational type of family dysfunction, in people of many ethnicities. I see this in my office all the time.  I also see that the pattern in families is that there are the cut-offers and the cut-offees, if you will.  Each knows who they are, and each knows who has the power: the cut-offer. Because the cut-offee will often eat a lot of bad behavior in order to “keep the peace”,  causing terrible emotional indigestion!

In our family my father and his brother did not speak for over 20 years (I think my father was the one who did the cut-off, over money…) They reunited when my father was on his death bed and my uncle came to not only say good-bye and make peace, but also to reassure my father that he’d look after my mother financially. Funny how the money thing came full circle… Right now my mother is not speaking to her sister, my brother is not speaking to me, my kids are not speaking to each other, and my 99 year old grandmother, one of 5 sisters, will go to her grave  having cut off for over 20 years  a sister who lives 10 minutes away.

Growing up, the absolute worst punishment we could get was my mother not speaking to us, looking through us as if we were dead, totally ignoring our existence.  Talk about abandonment issues!!!

Sad, isn’t it?

Codependence- Explanation

February 28, 2008

Codependence is a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving learned and absorbed during childhood. It happens due to growing up in a family where there is a great deal of chronic emotional pain or trauma and unhealthy boundaries. Examples of these are families where there was: unskillful parenting, a critical or non-nurturing environment, domestic violence, physical, sexual or emotional abuse, substance abuse or addiction, or chronic mental or physical illness. However, just like individual people, not all families can be so neatly categorized. Codependence can happen in any family where parents are trying their best, but learned unhealthy patterns of relating. 

In these families there are no appropriate boundaries for the child to experience or learn. Some grow up with no personal boundaries at all. They take in all the negativity of others’ fears, attacks, anger, and criticism. Everything gets in and overwhelms them resulting in no clear sense of identity. Others grow up with rigid boundaries, never allowing anything positive inside, like love, admiration, compliments, and nurturing.

To be emotionally healthy , and have healthy relationships, we need to develop permeable boundaries: to have a selective filter that keeps out the negative but lets in the positive. This results in a person with healthy self esteem.

A good book to help you with this issues is Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie.