Loss: Feeling the Pain

I wrote in my  previous post, Final Words, about needing to feel the pain of loss in order to move on….well today I am feeling a loss I can’t identify…related to the present…. I know I feel it because I feel so sad, and I can feel the sadness in my chest….heavy….solid…I notice I’ve been feeling kind of angry at my body lately, how it has failed me by turning on itself and using our autoimmune system to attack it, and me. I look in the mirror and want to yell at it….WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME????? The research talks all about genetic markers, but I know that psychologically we can unconsciously do bad things to our bodies. I ask myself, what am I punishing myself for? Then I think maybe its not punishment, but fear causing all this in me. Fear of things I still haven’t worked through.  I also realize that at this time 25 years ago my father was dying. He died on February 5, 1984. I always get depressed at this time of year. Maybe this is all connected…I don’t know….

When I finish this post I will go to prepare for my bible study Friday night. I know that the Lord will comfort me as I read. So I have hope.

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7 Responses to “Loss: Feeling the Pain”

  1. Amber Says:

    You know, we all go through this. All of us who suffer chronic illness. It is a death of sorts. A death of our old selves. The death of our health.

    It comes suddenly with the realization that there is no “fix”. This is it. There will be good days, but there will be these bad days from now on. There is alot to mourn here.

    Of course loss of someone we love brings all of those feelings so close to the surface. Our own mortality is something we face. I hate to be cliche and say what you are feeling is normal. Because what the hell is normal when you are like us? But honey… many of us are right here with you. May not help, but you have support and love.

    Its good you are talking about it…

  2. psychscribe Says:

    Thanks Amber, what you said brought tears to my eyes. The support is SO important. Also being able to write about it on my blog. If my real name were on here I would NEVER reveal so much about myself. You’re such a good friend.

  3. fibi Says:

    I know I always feel sad/depressed around the time my sister died.. Sometimes, I don’t know what’s come over me – I sit around and cry and cry and cry – then I realise where its coming from.. Doesn’t make the pain less, just allows me to understand it..

    Yeah…thanks fibi…

  4. froggywoogie Says:

    Strong and supportive thoughts sent to you

  5. SanityFound Says:

    I have never gone through what both you and Amber are going through, I’ve never had to face the constant pain nor the emotions of what you both have to face each and every day of your lives. I know you seek not admiration but I do admire you for your courage to talk about it and for all the smiles you give, the laughter you have and the love you share.

    I know the pain of loss well though will never lose a parent as you have, on the 5th of Feb perhaps we celebrate the man he was both to you and the world, celebrate his life and the love he gave. Perhaps on that day you start writing your book, your story, write about him.

    Love you huns and giving you huge hugs, no matter what you aren’t alone – whether you like it or not you’re stuck with us like Amber always says “like dirty gooy gum on the bottom of your shoe” (yeah I knows eeew but we nice flavours ok)

    Thank you sooooo much San. I am going through a hard time but your friendship, constant and loyal, truly helps. And I know you know about loss, dear one. God bless you.

  6. psychscribe Says:

    froggywoogie: thank you, truly, for your support

  7. lupusranting Says:

    My father died over 10 years ago … his birthday was last week and when I remember him lately, my heart aches to be his young child again, holding his hand while we walk together down the street.

    I understand. Fear is a terrible companion to live with. So is anger.

    Sometimes faith and hope is all we have when times are tough. I hope you feel the friendship and caring I’m sending your way, heart to heart.

    Thank you so much lupusranting. I feel it and I send the same to you. Warmly, Psych

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