Am I Destined for an Early Death?

I don’t mean for this topic to be depressing, truly I don’t…but sometimes I just get tired of being so upbeat, you know? For the first three years after my lupus diagnosis, nothing much happened… it was managed by medication and I was in blissful denial. I started a full time counseling practice with my daughter and I felt as normal as anyone else…excited and happy..but the last 6 months or so my flares (for the uninitiated this means active symptoms where you feel sick, weak, achy, exhausted, foggy, and worst of all cannot go to work) have been increasing in frequency. From a couple of times a year to every couple of months. From what I have read of other people’s experiences, this is usually the beginning of the long, sad road into disability.  

However its not disability that’s on my mind so much as having to leave this world before I get to meet and enjoy my grandchildren. My paternal grandmother died of heart disease in her 40’s when I was four, so we really never got to know each other. But I was named for her. I remember my father frequently taking me to the cemetery and seeing my name on her gravestone. It didn’t frighten me, but did seem to be a connection of sorts. The same name, the same short life. Was her fate my fate?  Then my father, my hero, died in his early 50’s of cancer, leaving behind two very young and much adored grandchildren. At every life passage they’ve gone thru, I have missed him and wept for all that he and they missed..

So its hard not to worry that their destiny is mine… that I have some sort of destiny gene that will call me early from this life. I have no fear of death and passing, because I believe in my God and the hereafter…but I do so fear having to miss the rest of my life, and being an active grandmother… (They have not even been conceived yet, but my daughter promises me they will be working on it immediately following their wedding in September )  

I fear the loss of all I yearn for.

Please Lord, not yet.


Tags: , ,

8 Responses to “Am I Destined for an Early Death?”

  1. cordieb Says:

    Keep your head to the sky. Your prayers are answered – have no fear! Peace, Light and Love to you and yours . . . continue to live for those beautiful grandchildren – as long as you have a will, your God will provide the way.

    Peace, Light and Love,

  2. lwayswright Says:

    I have lupus. I am a lupus fighter. Daily and continuously. I am in the middle of a flare as we umm well as you read and I write! My lips are swollen up like angelina jolie on botox, and my joints ache. I have kidney issues and it stinks. I was diagnosed several years ago now and I have been sick off and on since…but….I will not give in to this illness nor will I think of dying. the doc’s think I have had this illness since I was about 17 but it took till i was about 39 to figure it out…I’m now 45. Everyday is different for me. There are really really great days…I cherish all of them. there are really bad days, but I live through them. My husband and I just bought a business, I am disabled but…we began a new adventure together because I refuse to give up or give in. I fight. I am not a lupus survivor I am a lupus fighter! Please don’t give up…keep fighting and enjoying life. You will have grand children, you will have happy times…and you will have flares! But, you have a support system…consider me the first in that group…I’m here!

  3. SanityFound Says:

    I can only begin to imagine the mix of emotions that go with everything that you face on a daily basis, all I can do is send you a hug so *hugs*

  4. psychscribe Says:

    Thank you so much cordie. lwayswright, and sanityfound…the support means so much…i have such a loving, caring family but one thing I am NOT allowed to talk about is the death thing…absolutely not…i understand it…but it doesn’t help me…
    lwayswright, i would say that 99% of the time i see myself as a lupus fighter- but some days you just get so tired of fighting, you know? thanks for all that you wrote and all that you are….an inspiration and a kind soul..

  5. Madame Monet Says:

    I have a non-life threatening long-term medical condition. Once I got over the shock, I realized that all we can do is live each day as it comes and do our best every day.

    If you were told you only had a very short time to live, are you living each day NOW as you would under that circumstance? That is what you should do. If you are already doing that, you are doing the best anyone can. After all, any of us could be dead in in car accident tomorrow. So as much as you can, try to concentrate on living your life each day as you would as if that day were your last.

    This is why even if I’ve had a fight with my husband or daughter, I always tell them I love them, no matter how late or in how much af a hurry we are. I’d rather miss the bus, than take the chance I didn’t say goodbye properly.

    I hope this helps a bit.

    Madame Monet
    Writing, Painting, Music, and Wine

  6. amberfireinus Says:

    Lately with my situation – I have been having many of the same thoughts. Its hard to see your family die and not look at your own life. My entire family has now died. All grandparents, Aunts and Uncles related by blood. My uncles died at 53 and 67. My mother will die at 67.

    With my own health situation I cant help but think that is a mere 27 years left for me… if not sooner.

    Still, you have to not worry about when. You can’t worry about your destiny or you will just stop living at all. Your focus needs to be on the present. One day at a time.

    I know its hard. I know that it isn’t fair. That is part of the gift of being chronically ill. Finding the grace of it. Learning to pack alot of life into what you have left, and giving your gifts to others around you.

    Its a daily choice for me. Its not an easy one….

  7. Temperance Lover Says:

    Believe you will make it.

  8. putumare Says:

    Be patient and give yourself in Lord hand

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: