Affairs: Have You Strayed? (Repeat Post)

* I’m sorry to have to repeat, but my previous post didn’t make it into the categories due to a bug that wordpress is diligently working on. So for those who never read the first one, please read on: 

Affairs are one of the most frequent reasons people come to couples counseling. I plan to begin a series of posts about affairs that may be of help to you and your partner. But first I’d like to hear from some people who have been through this. (The next post will ask questions of the spouse or partner who has been cheated on.)

Are you male or female? Have you ever had a one nigh stand? An actual affair? Why? Did you choose to remain with your partner? Why? Did you tell your partner? Why or why not?

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7 Responses to “Affairs: Have You Strayed? (Repeat Post)”

  1. Laurie Kendrick Says:

    I am a 48 year old woman. Never married. I’ve had serious relationships and the majority of men with whom I was involved, had affairs.

    As did my father.

    That’s how my story might differ,

    I was 15 when he started having affairs with young women not much older than me. To assuage his guilt, he’d come up to my room at night and confided in me about his affairs and was very graphic with his descriptions. In me he thought he found an ally because I wasn’t getting along with my mother at the time.

    I was young, impressionable..I thought my father confiding in me and using the vernacular as he did was “cool”. I thought it had placed our father/daughter relatinship into a new dynamic.

    Oh, it did that alright.

    It was impossible for me to know what was going on and to watch my mother live daily in utter oblivion. He did this to me two more times and by that time, I’d become a seething cauldron of guilt and rage.

    I ended up telling my mother about his latest affair and she divorced him after that.

    I was 19 at the time and horribly confused. MY father taught me that love is expendable. It has a shelf life and when it’s over, you move on.

    I’ve had failed relationship after failed relationship. and recently grew tired of the reality that I had been dating..essentially, “my father” throughout the years. I’d had therapy off and on for years, but five years ago, I went underground and did some serious soul searching and introspection.

    I’m a better woman for it and currently involved with a nice man–a behaviorist no less. I’ve made great strides in the areas of intimacy and committment but I’m still a proverbial work in progress.

    I should say that my father and I have had a very estranged relationship over the years. I recently confronted him–now on his third marriage and I expressed myself in no uncertain terms. I offered the opportunity to try to have a relaitonship in his waning years. He’s 78 now.

    He refused.

    That’s fine. I’ve reconciled everything. IN a sense, it was liberating.

    I’m looking forward to forward progression in my life. I anticipate traversing this new road, but I will never forget the path that brought me here.

    So, if you to ask me would I stay or would I go if my spouse or partner was having an affair?

    Could my reason for living became my reason for leaving??

    I don’t know. Right now, I’m desperately trying to believe there’s still much to believe in.

    LK

  2. amberfireinus Says:

    Maybe its inappropriate for me to comment here as I have not cheated. But I do have thoughts about the one night stand cheating thing.

    People cheat for so many different reasons.

    I think that depending on the reason, if it truly is a one night stand, most people are filled with guilt and remorse over the event. If they dont intend to repeat it, and there is no way for the spouse to find out, then why torture the spouse with the knowledge? The better thing is to dont cheat again! IMHO

    For some reason though people feel the need to share their cheating with friends. Why who the heck knows. They need accomplices. This drags everyone around into your ugly business. Tell a therapist. Find out why it is you felt the need to cheat, and take steps not to do it again rather than take the chance on other people to hold your dirty secrets.

  3. Miki Says:

    I had one night stands, I betrayed boyfriends, husbands, after I stayed with some partners. I didn’t stay with some others, I never told the truth…
    all together: I was a nightmare with men!
    Sorry but this is the truth.

    I think I can say today that the reason was that I simply could not find the right one!
    Now I have found him and I KNOW that I could never betray him, not even in my head!

  4. psychscribe Says:

    Miki, from all I’ve read from you, you certainly do sound like you’ve found the love of your life. Sooo nice….

  5. psychscribe Says:

    Laurie, how poignant your post is…particularly one of the last lines “Could my reason for living became my reason for leaving??” I wish you good fortune and blessings on your forward journey. Psychscribe

  6. psychscribe Says:

    Amber, I think your point is well taken about not burdening a partner…or anyone else…with true confessions about a one night stand…though I think many of my colleagues would disagree with me here….

  7. amberfireinus Says:

    It really doesnt accomplish a whole lot to get it off your chest so to speak. The other person is left with all of the stuff that goes with the cheating/betrayal/etc. You get to clean out YOUR soul. Great.

    Also, getting accomplices in on your dirty little secret is just wrong. You are asking people to lie for you, and you put them in a horrible position just so again you can ease yourself.

    Bottom line… my thinking is cheating is very selfish all the way around.

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