What is Normal Sexuality in Marriage?

What Is Normal Sexuality in Marriage?

Everyone wonders about this. Do our friends “do it” more often than we do? Does anyone else have this problem where one partner has high desire, and the other one has little to none? We must be really weird. Everyone wants sex, don’t they?

The answer is no. Not really. More than 40 million Americans feel stuck in low-sex or no sex marriages. Research studies tell us that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men reported little to no sexual desire. Sometime in a marriage more than 50% of couples experience one or both partners with little to no sexual desire.

Desire problems are the most frequent complaint of couples entering sex therapy. They are also often the unspoken complaint of couples entering relationship therapy.

In our sex saturated culture, this particular difficulty has a stigma.  It’s ok to admit to having a drug problem or mood disorder. But a sexual problem? No way! We’re all supposed to be sexual superstars in our intimate relationships, aren’t we?

Actually, sexual anxieties, inhibitions, and problems are the norm. We’re afraid of not doing it “right”, like in movies and books. “Right” would be intercourse, with both parties craving each other all the time and having simultaneous orgasms every time they’re intimate.

Wrong! Healthy sexuality means giving and receiving touch that is pleasurable. It is not goal oriented, but process oriented. (The journey, not the destination.) It allows both partners to enjoy pleasure. It varies. Sometimes one or both has an orgasm. Sometimes not. And that’s ok. What’s not ok is not caring about yours or your partner’s needs.

There are many possible reasons for a discrepancy in desire between partners. The first is biological. As I mentioned in the statistics above, more than twice as many women than men have problems with sexual desire. This is because after the infatuation phase of the relationship, when hormones are running rampant, things settle down to natural biological rhythms. And biologically speaking, whoever has the most testosterone usually has the most desire.

Hmmm…. I wonder which gender that is!

Other reasons relevant to both genders are performance anxiety, emotional pain in the relationship, coerced intimacy, sex used as a bartering tool, lack of time, lack of energy, and fear of intimacy to name a few. These can be helped with an understanding therapist.

What you should do: first get complete medical exams to rule out any type of disease or medication causing the problem.

What you can do: see a relationship expert or sex therapist who can help you experience the pleasure and joy of intimate connection. You deserve no less.


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2 Responses to “What is Normal Sexuality in Marriage?”

  1. Miki Says:

    And here I am! Hello again, Maggie, and pleased to meet you here!
    I guess I will have a big pleasure in reading your blog! It is very informative and gives emotional pleasure at the same time. I love the simple, honest and direct way you have to write about your theme. Apart from beeing a painter,I am a scientist too, and as such I appreciate a clear, transparent language. Believe me or not, it´s rare to find a therapist or psychologist speaking like you do, most of the time they sound as if they need therapy themselves!

  2. Iris Brull Says:

    I’ve been married for 12 yrs. My husband is a great father,considered, caring, hard worker and a great provider on anything we need. For a quite sometime my husband do not make love to me. In one ocasion he said to me ” I just don’t have the desire anymore” These words worried me. I know he hates his job and he wants out . He went to school to study so he could get a dif. job , but had no luck. He thinks he is too old to get a job at this point. Anyway everytime he comes home he kisses and hugs me , same for my dauther, then he eats his dinner and from there is just the TV. I have to mention that I also like to watch my “novelas”. Sometimes we watch a show we both enjoy. On weekends he is always with us and we always take our daugther somewhere or go to visit friends. When we are home I just do landry and he ussually works on his computer. Because of this, I really don’t think he has somebody else. Sometimes we share and talk about the day. and he expresses all his frustrations with his boss. Last time we make love was for my bithday in February and he took a “Viagra” pill I don’t think his problem is with his (you know). I need help! I love my husband so much. We have a 5 years old daughter.We went through a lot to conceive her and I know this was the biggest gift my husband has everd received. He is crazy about her and she adores him . I just cannot picture our lives without him. I wanted to feel that he wants me and I am attractive to him. Right now I am trying to loose weight, I am going to the gym and I am taking dance classes. I know every human needs intimacy in their lives (that is a biological need). I will love him to just make love to me not every day, nor every week, at least twice a month. I want him to be considered in terms of my biological needs. I don’t want to sound selfish, I want to help him also, I want answers. Why is he acting this way? One day he said to me ” the only thing that keeps us together is our daugther” I didn’t say anything to this but I want to sit downwith him and have a long conversation but I am very afraid. Do you think a sexologist can help us or a marrige counselor?

    Hi Iris, I’m sorry to hear you’re in so much pain. YES a marriage counselor could help you. If it were me, I would contact
    one as soon as possible. Blessings, Psychscribe

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