Couples: Its Not About Who Wins

I see this so much in my office- couples wanting to re-hash a week old argument and wanting me to judge who’s right. Detail by detail they correct each other, exactly who said what, who did what first, as if each admitted detail is a score toward the finish line.

But nobody really gets anywhere because there are no winners in an argument between partners. If there’s a winner that means there’s a loser, which means the winner loses too. Losers don’t like winners very much. 

Relationships are not about opponents or gladiators. They’re about loving your lover.

When you love you give the gifts of empathy and the benefit of the doubt. You understand that your partner is probably feeling hurt beneath the anger. You try to understand and ask for help in understanding because you want to make it better.

When you are loved you receive the gifts of empathy and the benefit of the doubt. You feel understood and appreciate the empathy and efforts of your partner.

The more you are given, the more you receive. The more you receive, the more you want to give.

It becomes a lot easier than the win thing.


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4 Responses to “Couples: Its Not About Who Wins”

  1. springshiny Says:

    How very true – relationships are not about opponents or gladiators! But we tend to forget that in our daily living. I fall prey to the experiences of my past relationship and tend to react from that context – I get defensive.. can u suggest some way of getting rid of my defensiveness?

  2. psychscribe Says:

    Hi springshiny,
    If you are already in a relationship, I recommend Harville Hendrix’ book “Getting the Love You Want”. If you’re single right now, then his book “Keeping the Love You Find.”
    I hope you find this helpful.

  3. Miki Says:

    Really, how I enjoy reading your entries! This is all so true, and so beautiful in its simplicity that it almost hurts, kind of:
    “Of course, she is right! Why couldn´t I think that myself?!”
    You spoke of visual delight concerning my paintings: I feel exactly the same with your texts, DELIGHT!

  4. psychscribe Says:

    Well thank you for your kind comments, Mikki! Now that
    We have a mutual admiration society going on, I hope others
    will visit your lovely blog, A Painter’s Pointer. I confess to having
    artistic inclinations, but the only way I’ve found to express
    them is through decoupage, which is a passion of mine. Also
    poetry, which I need to get back into. Cheers! Psychscribe

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